


my love is true, my love is you

by undeliveredtruth



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crushes, Feels And Some Degree of Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Ice Skating and other winter activities, M/M, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22116643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: When Seungkwan is swept off his feet by one of the very handsome boys in his class, he enlists his best friend Seokmin to help him "practice date" so he's ready for the real thing.But because the universe never sides with Seungkwan, unbeknown to him, Seokmin has been harboring the world's biggest crush on Seungkwan, and it all comes to a head when Seungkwan makes a mistake he shouldn't have made.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Lee Seokmin | DK, Mentions of Boo Seungkwan/Kim Mingyu
Comments: 16
Kudos: 107
Collections: 85 Days Left 2019: A Christmas-Themed Fic Fest for Seungkwan and Seokmin





	my love is true, my love is you

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @booseokbestboys for organizing this fest! This was my prompt: "Booseok are best friends/college roommates. One day Seungkwan meets a really hot guy in one of his classes (maybe Mingyu?) and crushes hard, so he convinces Seokmin to help him get together with his crush. Seokmin agrees, even though he's secretly in love with Seungkwan. Through the process of Seokmin helping him, Seungkwan ends up falling for Seokmin." 
> 
> I'm so happy to finally have been able to write these amazing boys, and I hope I did the prompt some justice at least and you all enjoy it!
> 
> Here are some references I'm not including in the story itself (you'll know when they appear) because most of y'all know my love for imagery by now:  
> [Seokmin's outfit is from here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNQTzbh4UdU) and [this is Seungkwan's, again of course.](https://twitter.com/mi_won17/status/1203989766481567744?s=20)
> 
> The performance I'm referring to is, of course, [this old one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNQTzbh4UdU); at 2:13 you can see Seokmin grabbing Seungkwan's sweater with a vengeance, which... well. Mingyu and Seungkwan's trip is inspired by their Battle Trip episode!
> 
> Gapyeong is one of my favorite places in the world, and The Garden of Morning Calm is absolutely incredible, probably the best date spot I have ever seen: [here](https://res.klook.com/images/fl_lossy.progressive,q_65/c_fill,w_1194,h_717,f_auto/w_80,x_15,y_15,g_south_west,l_klook_water/activities/gjwexwf4uhrdfua4oic9/.jpg) and [here.](https://d15kbsmiqz0zlr.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/garden-of-morning-calm-lights-600x390.jpg) There's no ice rink as far as I know, but you can imagine that one!
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, and thank you again to the prompter and the organizers for this fest!

It starts, as many things do, with Seungkwan getting something in his head and fixating solely on it.

For as much as Seungkwan rolls his eyes at Soonyoung and Seokmin’s ideas, he’s as bad when he gets his mind on something and can't seem to let go. Out of Seungkwan's very few flaws, Seokmin considers his stubbornness the worst.

Seokmin doesn't look directly at him from where he's working on Seungkwan's desk, but there is an almost palpable sense of _something._ Seungkwan's keyboard tapping has stopped, and Seokmin can sense that he has something he needs to say, and he won't hold back.

"I need a boyfriend."

Well... Seokmin hasn't been in various drama and acting clubs for years to not be able to fake it when he needs to. 

"You... you do?" But the cough sneaks up on him, rising in his throat until it surely must look like something that did take him by surprise. 

He can put on any role given to him, but every time he's close to Seungkwan and _those_ topics come up and his heart starts beating in allegro and his thoughts turn to cotton candy... it's a little bit difficult to put on a straight face.

"Yeah, hyung," Seungkwan's whine pierces through what used to be a productive silence and is now torture for Seokmin knowing he's alone with Seungkwan with no distractions in sight. "I'm a second-year in college and I've never dated anyone, it's embarrassing."

"That's not embarrassing at all," Seokmin counters because it is true. "What's embarrassing about it?" 

"That... I don't know. I have no experience!"

"That doesn't matter, Seungkwan-ah. You'll surely... find someone later."

"That's what everybody has been saying to me since high school," he throws his head back in the desk chair, shooting a desolate look up at the ceiling. " _Don't worry Seungkwan, there will be someone who will like you despite how you look. Don't worry Seungkwan, someone will put up with you eventually. Don't worry Seungkwan, I'm sure there is a guy out there who'd date you._ Well, where are they? Where _is_ he?"

The tempting, oh-so-tempting urge to whisper _he's here_ rises up his neck and sits so tantalizingly on his tongue, too easy, too out there... that it's almost difficult to push it back, it takes so long for the absolute fear over what could happen to take its usual spot. 

The statements hit Seokmin's best friend instincts hard though, and he kneels on the bed, goes closer to Seungkwan. 

"Who said that?"

"I don't know, my sisters, my friends... Family."

"Well, they're wrong. You won't find anyone to _put up with you,_ " he signals the quotation marks in the air, getting Seungkwan's dejected eyes on him. "Or _like you despite who you are._ You'll get someone who likes you and that's it. And you will."

Seungkwan sighs. Seokmin's words won't get through him, no matter how many times Seokmin tells them to him. He won't be able to see what Seokmin sees in him, and Seokmin is always afraid that if he tries to talk about it too much, he'll start shooting hearts out of his eyes and Seungkwan will be able to tell. 

He's too stubborn. But it's fine, because Seokmin has a lot of patience and a lot of love to give. 

"I don't know... I mean, I know it's true, but it's just... I want it now. I don't wanna wait for however many years until "the right one" comes to find me or whatever. I want to experience things while I'm young."

He has a point, Seokmin sighs. He'd also hate it if people told him to wait. 

"Well... what if you experience things in other ways?"

"What do you mean?" Seungkwan's eyebrows narrow, and Seokmin coughs. 

"I mean... you don't have to wait for the right one to do everything. Just... go out and do it?"

"With who?" He whines, but Seokmin got him. 

"With friends, by yourself..." he coughs. "With me. I'm always here for you, you know." 

"I doubt you'll be able to give me everything I want," Seungkwan scoffs under his breath, and Seokmin barely catches it. 

He doesn't think... Seungkwan meant what he thinks he meant. 

"What?"

"Nothing. Listen, hyung... I appreciate it. Thank you."

And with a forced smile, Seungkwan turns back to his work. Seokmin does too, but he misspells almost every word he writes and gives up to watch random performances on Youtube. Every time he looks up, he finds Seungkwan's lip is still furrowed in his mouth and he's typing furiously. Seokmin sighs and looks back at his laptop.

Judging by the harshness of their conversation, Seokmin would have expected the whole thing to last longer. 

But only three days later, while Seokmin is enjoying a passable lunch with Soonyoung and Jeonghan who are more than passable company, Seungkwan whirls into the cafeteria like a storm, throws his bag on the floor and plops down next to Soonyoung. 

"I'm in love." 

No one can blame Seokmin for suddenly forgetting how to swallow. Thankfully, Soonyoung looks like he's turned ten shades redder and he can't breathe, so everybody ignores Seokmin to pat him on the back. 

"Well? Who is it?" Jeonghan asks when Soonyoung's finally come back to the land of the living, although his hand is gripping Seokmin's thigh under the table. He and Jisoo are the only ones who know, and he's always been more than supportive of Seokmin. And sometimes angry at Seungkwan. 

"He's this guy... I don't know his name, but I think he's a third-year. I see him hang out with Minghao-hyung sometimes, I think he's studying art too, and he's in my composition class. I almost fell today down the stairs after our class because I was texting and not only he saved me from falling, but he also caught my phone," Seungkwan whines, throwing his head back. "He's so tall and hot, and has this crooked tooth when he smiles..."

Seokmin knows who this is. Of course he does. 

"It's Mingyu, isn't it?" 

"Oh," Seungkwan turns to him, his eyes wide, his mouth open. "Hyung, of course you'd know him, you're in the same year and you're friends with Minghao-hyung too, right? Oh, tell me more!" He puts his hands on the table, leaning to him.

Of course it's Mingyu. Out of all people, it has to be someone that Seokmin could never compete with. 

"Umm... He's really nice." 

But it's either that he can't be convincing enough or Seungkwan knows him too well, because his expression immediately changes. "Do you not like him? Is he an asshole or something? Because if he did something bad to you I won't..."

"No, no," Seokmin shakes his head. Mingyu _is_ nice. Mingyu is absolutely amazing, a great friend, and even more boyfriend material. It would've maybe been easier if he was an asshole, but he _isn't,_ and Seokmin would never think of lying. "He's a really cool person." 

If possible, Jeonghan's nails dig even deeper in his thigh. If Seokmin was Jeonghan, he would probably have lied through his teeth. He would've mentioned that once Mingyu opens his mouth it takes over him, that he's clumsy and a bit awkward, and that from what rumors fly, he _gets around._

But the truth is that Seungkwan probably will find his annoyingness endearing, his clumsiness charming, and that the rumors are just rumors because he is a sweetheart who will probably treat Seungkwan right. 

"Great! So then you can help me, right? Get Mingyu?" 

There are days in which he regrets how good of a friend he is. Maybe if he learned how to be different...

"Sure."

Jeonghan lets go of his thigh. He's going to hear it from him later, that's sure. 

"Thank you so much, hyung! You're such a great friend!"

Behind him, Jeonghan snorts.

Seokmin hates his life.

"You're such an idiot, Seokmin-ah," Soonyoung says right when he and Jeonghan follow him into his room. 

"You know too?" He whines, dropping himself down facefirst in Soonyoung's pillow. 

"Everybody does. Besides Seungkwan, that is," Jeonghan joins him and puts a hand on his shoulder. "No but really..."

"I mean, what should I have done? I couldn't lie, and it's not like I could tell him," he bursts out, turning around to sit and hug Soonyoung's pillow to his lap.

"I would have," Jeonghan shrugs. 

"Doesn't help."

"Fine, fine. So then what will you do? Help him?"

"I mean... Seungkwan's my friend. And if he likes Mingyu and Mingyu likes him... I want him to be happy." 

"No," Soonyoung bursts out. "You need to be a little bit more selfish, Seokmin-ah."

"I agree," Jeonghan nods, and Seokmin shoots him a look. He'd call him out, but with Soonyoung in the room...

"I can't. If he needs me..." 

"Think it over, Seokmin-ah. And think a little bit more about yourself," Soonyoung chastizes him, probably knowing well Seokmin doesn't agree with that mindset. "Now shoo. Jihoon's coming over." 

Seokmin sighs, gets up, and Jeonghan does the same, but Seokmin doesn't mistake the annoyance in his eyes. Right as the door closes, Seokmin's eyes are on Jeonghan, but he is shushed until they're on the street and they've turned the corner, both heading towards the bus station for the bus that will take them home, barely catching it as it heads into the station. 

"You're telling _me_ to be selfish?" The words pour forward when they're seated, Seokmin having barely managed to hold them back until now. "You're the one who got the two of them together."

"I didn't know then," Jeonghan throws. "I thought I'd never get over my last relationship when I slept with him and until much later. And plus... who would ever think that Soonyoung and I would work? I don't think even I do."

"I mean..." Seokmin scratches his chin. "He must have really good bed game then, right? To make you think so much..." 

"Ya!" Jeonghan interrupts him with a hit to his shoulder but chuckles anyway. "That's not even how you say it."

"How do you say it then?" The confusion reflects in his voice. Seungkwan was the one who taught it to him like that.

"It's di... you know what? Never mind. You're too pure."

Seokmin would pout, but he's kind of thinking it would prove the point. So instead he lets Jeonghan ruffle his hair and rest his head on his shoulder until his stop approaches.

"Seokmin-ah, I'm serious, alright? You can't let Seungkwan get with anyone else, hear me?" Jeonghan suddenly turns to him one stop before his, surely to have the last word. "You're going to regret it. So I'm helping you." 

"How... what?"

"Trust me, I'll have a foolproof plan by tomorrow. You just don't do anything until then. Hear me?"

"I..."

"Operation BooSeok. It's on me. Don't do anything stupid!"

Seokmin sighs. Said like that, it almost sounds impossible.

That night, Seungkwan dreams about Mingyu. It's innocent, and maybe it's not even Mingyu, he realizes after waking up and rubbing his eyes. It was just someone... someone who hugged him, and from what he remembers bought him a popsicle at a carnival even if it's winter and Seungkwan ate it anyway even if he shouldn't have, for his voice... 

And then he checks his phone, realizes he overslept his alarm daydreaming about a _boy_ for god's sake, and he has less than 20 minutes to get ready and make it to the comedy club practice. 

Not showering is out of the question, and for some reason his clean clothes don't quite mismatch even if his socks do, his hair is wet and he had no time to hide the bags under his eyes. It's Saturday morning and it's comedy club, he knows the small group of people in it and they're not going to judge him. 

But because Seungkwan's life itself is a comedy, when he walks in, Kim Mingyu himself in all his glory is chatting with someone. 

"Seungkwan! You're right on time! We have a new member," Miyeon waves at him, and in her wave lays all of Seungkwan's sorrow and the tragic turn of events that put him in front of Kim Mingyu without his hair done and not a sweep of moisturizer on his face. The dry skin on his cheeks is a metaphor of his life falling apart, perhaps, and Seungkwan _deserves_ it. 

But he is Boo Seungkwan for a reason, and there's no time to hide. He might have his heart trampled, but he _won't_ have his ego too.

"Hi. Mingyu, right?"

"Yeah," he grins and again, that damn crooked tooth... He's so hot Seungkwan can't even deal with this.

He can't wait to tell Seokmin about this, he's probably going to have a field day laughing at Seungkwan's luck. He's always said...

"I'm glad to see you here, but why...?"

"Seungkwan, don't be mean," Miyeon rolls her eyes and attaches herself to Mingyu's arm. "Mingyu was just saying he was looking for things to join and when he heard that you were here he decided to come," she winks at Seungkwan. 

_What?_

He glances at Mingyu for an explanation and he looks _so lost_ Seungkwan almost takes pity on him. Miyeon is a savage who can get anything out of anyone. 

"I mean, I thought it would be nice to have a familiar face, and I've always loved variety shows and I heard you were working on a variety show episode, so I thought I'd join because..." Mingyu rants quicker than his mouth allows him to, clearly embarrassed.

It's cute. Seungkwan finds it _cute._

"Don't worry, Mingyu, we're happy to have you here for whatever reason you came. Let's do a round of intros, yeah?" Miyeon tugs him away. 

Seungkwan takes a deep breath, blames whatever gods put him here today when he's not even fully awake, and joins the circle.

It almost feels like he didn't let out another breath the whole time until he finally gets to his dorm room and keys the code into the door. 

He knows Seokmin will be there, he always comes over during Seungkwan's practice to study and wait for him to get lunch together, so he doesn't even look before dropping onto the bed and laying his head on Seokmin's thigh. Wordlessly, Seokmin's hand reaches to run through his hair, comforting.

Seungkwan can't be pushed to talk. If Seokmin were to ask him now if he's okay, he'd say yeah and get up and pick up his wallet and drag him out of the room for lunch and bottle it all a little bit more inside. Thankfully, Seokmin knows not to until Seungkwan's ready to tell, untangling two strands of hair and curling some around his finger, running his hand over Seungkwan's scalp. 

"I think I need help."

"With what?" Seokmin answers right away, low and calm. 

Many people don't know this side of Seokmin, Seungkwan thinks sometimes. The calm, peaceful side. Maybe it's because Seungkwan always listens to the few ballads Seokmin's recorded and sent to him, and he can hear Seokmin's deep emotions running through them, but he thinks he hasn't sent them to anyone else.

"With being an attractive person? Being wanted by someone?"

"You are attractive, Seungkwan-ah."

"You're saying it. Of course you have to say that, we're friends." 

Seokmin's hand in his hair pauses, just for half a second, just enough for Seungkwan to ignore it.

"And? I'd think you're attractive even if we weren't friends." One beat. "Is this about Mingyu?"

Seungkwan turns so the back of his head lays on Seokmin's thigh, moving his hand until he looks up.

"He joined our comedy club."

"Oh... Did he?"

"Yeah. And I look like this." He's being a little bit of a baby, but... sometimes he just needs to vent. 

"You look great." 

Seokmin barely finishes his words before Seungkwan huffs. Of course, he'll never tell Seungkwan he's ugly. 

"Can you practice with me?" He meets Seokmin's eyes, hoping they're as convincing as he wants them to be. He might even pout if needed.

"Practice what?"

"Like... flirting and dating and like talking and... I don't know. I have no experience, and you're the only person I trust will always have my best interests at heart and will not let me embarrass myself." A pause. "I already am though, am I not? Oh god," he scrunches his eyes closed, puts his hands on his face to hide his shame, his reddening cheeks. He's such an idiot. 

"You're not! You're not. I'll help."

"You will?" Really?

"Of course."

"I'll buy you lunch," Seungkwan jumps up, letting Seokmin put his book away before pulling him up. "Your choice. What do you want?"

"Anything is fine with me." 

"So then pizza? That fancy place. My treat." 

Seokmin loves pizza to an unhealthy degree. Seungkwan usually likes to push him to be healthier, eat better and drink his water and take his vitamins and all that, but this is a _special_ occasion. 

"Sure."

Seokmin's face lights up when the massive pizza gets put in front of them on the little stand. Seungkwan will eat barely a quarter of it and will let him have the rest and Seokmin won't complain. 

Usually because he pays too, but...

"So like... how do I know someone's not straight first of all?" He chances after Seokmin's had two slices, his first one still not done in front of him. He doesn't know why, but he can't muster up an appetite talking about this.

"You know I don't have much experience either, right?"

"But you dated before." 

"Yeah, but it didn't matter much. We both knew. But I guess like... you can tell?"

"How?" Seungkwan asks, his pizza all but forgotten. 

"Like... I think you can tell more if they're into you rather than their whole sexuality. But like... looks? The way they talk to you, if they're not confident or too confident? You know how to tell," Seokmin answers, shoving half of one slice in his mouth. 

"I guess. I don't know, I feel like I've always been oblivious to these things." 

Seokmin swallows but forcefully, letting out a hum that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. 

"Then... if you establish they're into you. How do you date? Like... what dates do you go to, how do you date?"

"Depends? What do you like? What would you like to do on dates?"

"The classic, I guess. I like movies, and amusement parks, and norebang, and eating good food but not at like... super fancy places. Discovering good places and going there often. And road trips. And walks. Cooking at home? Small things."

He's smiling. Seokmin is smiling, and Seungkwan realizes he must be too. He loves doing that stuff.

"We do that."

"I know! So shouldn't it be different? Shouldn't there be... something else? Something more?"

Seokmin's smile falls, but just a little. "I mean... your boyfriend can be your best friend. It's just more loaded, I guess."

"So do what I do with friends?"

"I guess so. There is a difference but..."

"You tell me then," Seungkwan interrupts him. "What's your ideal date?"

"Hmm..." Seokmin pauses to think, scratching his ear. "In winter, I like going ice skating, especially if the person I'm with can't skate. The ice rinks have a cozy cafe next to them usually, so picking a nice, warm spot next to the fire for hot chocolate or mulled wine and chatting..."

That sounds... that sounds really nice. And Seungkwan can't skate.

"If we do that... will you teach me?"

"Do what?" Seokmin's eyes widen comically at Seungkwan's frenzied question.

"Go skating. Like on a practice date, and you can tell me what to do or if I'm getting anything wrong. Please?"

"I..."

"Please please _please?_ I have no idea how," Seungkwan pouts, not above it for getting this one thing. He'll make sure Seokmin has fun, like they always do when they hang out.

"I'd love to go." 

"Yay!" Seungkwan jumps. "I'll look for somewhere fun," the grin takes over his face, not being able to hide his happiness. It will be so much fun, and he'll also get the experience he oh-so-desperately needs. 

The things he's already doing for Kim Mingyu.

"Seungkwan!" The loud voice calls out to him, and Seungkwan's ready with a retort on the tip of his tongue for embarrassing him in the hallway, but when he turns around, it's Mingyu. 

Seungkwan's suddenly even happier he woke up earlier to do laundry and his proper skincare routine. 

"Are you heading to the comedy club meeting? Let's go together!" Mingyu continues, and Seungkwan nods, a small smile making its way onto his face. "How was your day?"

"Uhm... it was good?" Seungkwan nods. "My best friend, Seokmin, was over this morning and we made breakfast, and I did a couple of things. How about you?" 

Mingyu's smiling face, his genuinely interested expression, makes Seungkwan want to share. Like he's not asking just to ask, but he's asking because he wants to know how Seungkwan's doing despite how they're barely friends. 

"It was good! I woke up late, but that's usual. I sleep a lot. My friends always tease me about it because I fall asleep everywhere." 

"Really?" Seungkwan asks, liking the little pout Mingyu makes on his last words. He's cute.

"Yeah, but they do it out of love," he nods, determined, and Seungkwan chuckles. "Also... I just realized I don't have your number. Do you want to put it in my phone?" Mingyu hands him his phone, and Seungkwan almost has a heart attack, his hands suddenly sweaty and his cheeks too hot.

Seokmin's going to make fun of him forever for the way his breath catches and he can't seem to say anything. 

"Uh... sure," he subtly wipes his hands on his pants, takes Mingyu's phone and puts his number in, saving it and handing it back to him. 

"I'll text you," Mingyu nods before they walk into the meeting, only a little late. They quickly run to take their seats in the circle, saying hello. Miyeon eyes him but Seungkwan purses his lips to signal to her not to say anything. She doesn't know the definition of subtlety; Seungkwan wouldn't expect anything else. 

"So... We gathered the votes for what we should do this semester," she starts, and some people hum in anticipation. "And 'Battle Trip' won by far." 

Some cheers erupt in their small audience. There are only eight people here today; some must have quit. 

Right before the fun part of the club starts? Losers. 

"So I divided the pairings and looked at our budget; I think we can afford to do four pairings and have a budget of 100,000 won each. We don't need fancy cameras because we can use our phones or the ones we have, and it will be fun. We'll divide and go to four different places."

Oh. Miyeon already made the pairings. 

"So the first pairing: Mingyu and Seungkwan." 

_Of course._ Seungkwan glares daggers at her, but she isn't even phased, moving on with a smirk at the corner of her lips. 

"I put you two together because I think your dynamics will be fun. Are you okay with going to Pyeongchang?" 

"That will be so fun," Mingyu suddenly launches, laying a hand on Seungkwan's arm, and it's suddenly all he can notice, points of awareness on his forearm where Mingyu's holding him. "There's the Olympic Village being built, and the trout festival!" 

Seungkwan can only nod. So he has to go on a road trip with Mingyu with cameras on them and somehow hide the hearts in his eyes? While they're essentially going to be on a day-long date?

Fun is a word for it. A word of choice.

_'where are you? i thought we were rehearsing our performance today'_ Seungkwan texts Seokmin, tapping his nails on the desk. Seokmin was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, and it's not like him to be late and not text Seungkwan. 

_'On my way. Two min away'_

Not like Seokmin to text using proper grammar either, he's usually way too quick to text to bother. Seungkwan furrows his eyebrow and scrolls mindlessly through his Instagram before the clicks of the code being put in the door ring out. Seungkwan turns around, getting up from his chair, ready with a worried tone to ask what's wrong.

"What happened, I thought... _Oh."_

He's always known Seokmin was hot when he wanted to be, but this... This is _too much._

The loose striped shirt, unbuttoned to show off his collarbones, the ripped blue jeans it's tucked into that fit so well on his thighs, the glint of his long earring, his necklace, the bracelet... _his hair._

"Who...?"

"Jeonghan took me out shopping today. Do you like it?" He grins, a little bit sheepish. This is the Seokmin he knows, the expression he's familiar with. 

Because the Seokmin that walked through his door a few moments ago... that he didn't.

And then he realizes Seokmin asked him a question. That he was too busy gaping at him to answer. 

"Yeah, I mean... yeah. You look..." 

He looks fucking _hot,_ that's what it is. He looks smoking hot. 

"Let's practice," Seokmin moves after a few more seconds, going to Seungkwan's desk to turn the music on. "I have something to go to in a little bit, sorry. Something came up."

"What did?" Seungkwan shakes himself out of his stupor, blinks at Seokmin. 

"I have to... meet someone. Sorry."

Someone who? Is it a _date?_

Understandable, since Seokmin is dressed like that. In any other day, Seungkwan would push to find the answer, but today... he doesn't feel capable of doing it.

So he just coughs, goes across the room when the music starts. They've practiced doing _My Ear's Candy_ so many times, making the performance as funny as it is, adding their own exaggerated voices or dance moves to it, but when Seokmin moves across from him, lays a hand on his belt and waits for him to start... 

A beat and Seungkwan realizes he missed the cue. 

"Oh shit, sorry," he rushes to his laptop, playing the song back. He goes through the planned ad libs, and when the first words hit, he throws his arms up, waves them around and turns as gracefully as he can, and then watches as Seokmin does his overly manly impression of Ok Taecyeon, which honestly... he kind of pulls off.

It's meant to be funny, the whole thing is, they're meant to be doing it at this holiday party for their singing group and Seungkwan will wear something as a skirt and Seokmin will wear ridiculous sunglasses and they'll slap each other and make everyone laugh.

But if before Seokmin's exaggerated raspy voice was amusing, now the speakers aren't loud enough, and when the second part of the chorus hits Seokmin's hand grabs his shoulder _hard_ , fists in his sweater, and he's so, so close, Seungkwan can hear his deep voice whispering _wo ai ni_ and _te quiero_ way, _way_ too close to his ear, his lips almost on Seungkwan's jaw...

Those aren't even languages Seungkwan speaks, and yet he stumbles. There's nothing funny about this today. 

"Don't..." Seungkwan rasps, and immediately catches himself and coughs. Not early enough though, because Seokmin has already had time to plaster an innocent look on his face.

"Don't what?"

"Don't... do that. That... _that."_

"What? Why?"

He's going to _kill him._

"It's distracting," he complains. 

"What is?"

"You grabbing my shoulder, the voice... It's distracting," he almost whines, his tone just on the side of annoyed as well. "Let's do it again."

So they start again. Seungkwan does his ad libs again, even if less enthusiastically this time, and goofs through the first verse, signs off a heart at Seokmin at the _I love you_ in English, and then when he turns his back to Seokmin for the chorus, his hand's on his hipbone instead, slightly pulling him in, and Seungkwan feels his back touch Seokmin's... 

Wait, his _hipbone._

"Hyung!" 

"What? You said not to grab your shoulder, and that's how the original choreography goes!"

"Yeah, not to grab my shoulder, you can just _put_ your hand there, Seokmin-ah," Seungkwan forgets the honorific for a second, huffing at Seokmin. This is not going anywhere. Seokmin is not himself today, and Seungkwan is getting easily annoyed. "Let's forget it for today."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's fine. There's one more week, we'll have time to rehearse it next week. Go meet whoever you need to meet." 

"Sure?" Seokmin prods him again, and his earring jingles as he gets closer to Seungkwan. It suits him so well, accentuates the line of his jaw so sharply, that Seungkwan has to tear his eyes away.

"Yeah. Go, don't worry." 

"Okay," Seokmin nods and puts his shoes on, finding his coat, but instead of leaving, he turns around to Seungkwan. 

"Are you okay?"

Seungkwan blinks at him, some of the annoyance dissipating at Seokmin's concerned tone. Seokmin is his best friend. What is wrong with him? 

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"No need. I'll see you tomorrow. For the roadtrip," Seokmin smiles and Seungkwan nods, watches him close the door, and the annoyance in his chest returns. It's not _really_ at Seokmin, it's at something else, and Seungkwan can't put his finger on it.

"How did it go?"

Seokmin releases the breath he feels like he's been holding for hours, his jaw trembling as he gets in the car. 

"Did it work?" Jeonghan asks again, smirking at him. 

Laying his head on the armrest he closes his eyes, breathing again. He was so nervous he thought his knees were gonna give.

"I don't know if I'm taking your advice again."

"Well... valid," Jeonghan answers, likely knowing Seokmin will never be able to say no to his ideas anyway, and it worked to a degree. "At least wear the clothes again. You look hot." 

3 hours later, it's barely better. Seungkwan's mind has worked him into a frenzy and he can barely concentrate on anything, nothing helping take him out of his mood. 

Until Soonyoung texts. Seungkwan has to give it to him: he's a wizard when it comes to knowing when his friends need distractions. 

_'wanna join me for a party tonight? nobody wants to come'_

Seungkwan debates for a second, before the three dots appear again. 

_'Mingyu will be there, probably. It's at Vernon's'_

_'I'm coming'_ Seungkwan types at lightning speed. He has finals coming up next week, and probably everyone else does which is why they're not joining, and yet Seungkwan feels like he deserves it. Needs it, more like. 

_'great. I'll meet you at your dorm in 2 hrs, it's close to you'_

2 hours. Seungkwan has time to get ready. He has to look absolutely amazing. 

_'when you come, can you bring that black jacket? you know which one'_ Seungkwan's been looking for an excuse to steal that jacket from Soonyoung's closet forever, and now he has one. 

He's going to get Seokmin back for today, and he's probably going to get Mingyu too. Not a bad deal.

"Whew," Soonyoung exclaims when he walks in, checking out Seungkwan, the jacket hanging off his arm. "I was gonna wear this, but I think you need it more," he hands Seungkwan the black jacket with two zippers, the collar popping off to his neck. 

In combination with the black shirt and black jeans tucked into the boots, he thinks he looks pretty... 

"Hot. That's hot. What's gotten into you?" Soonyoung perches on his bed, swinging his legs around. Seungkwan would kick him out for wearing outside clothes on his sheets, but Soonyoung deserves a pass today. 

"I don't know. Wanted to dress up."

"For Mingyu?"

"Maybe." 

"Hmm," Soonyoung wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Seungkwan doesn't have to look to know he is, quickly zipping one of the jacket zippers. "So you wanna get in his pants? Or let him get into your pants?"

"If it happens," Seungkwan shrugs, even if he knows it is not going to happen. A kiss though... that he wouldn't mind. "Quick. Turn the light off, turn the lamp on, and take some photos of me." 

"For what?" Soonyoung asks but moves, bathing the room in a softer, barely-there light, and snaps photos of Seungkwan at different angles, moving around and leading him like he's a dedicated photographer and Seungkwan is his model. But when he shows them to Seungkwan, he has to admit Soonyoung's skills are kind of on point and it was all worth it, making the outfit and Seungkwan look even better. Not what he usually wears, but once in a while change is good.

And so, without thinking, he opens his messages with Seokmin and sends him the best one, takes a selfie from the angle Junhui taught him, his lips turned down and his jaw popping. _'finally stole Soonyoung's jacket'_

It's revenge. If Seokmin could do that, then so can Seungkwan. 

"Ready, fashion king? We should go."

"Yeah," Seungkwan nods, picks up his phone and his wallet and puts them in his pockets. Walking out, his phone dings. 

Maybe it's Seokmin. His fingers itch to check it, but he fists his hand and puts it in his pocket instead. Not now. No thoughts tonight.

Mingyu finds him barely half an hour into the party, but Seungkwan's had enough drinks to be pleasantly buzzed. Enough to meet Mingyu's smile with a genuine one of his own, let Mingyu hold his hand and lead him to the kitchen of Vernon's apartment for another drink. Seungkwan should probably find Vernon at some point to say hi since he's always wanted to be friends with him, not only acquaintances, but Mingyu is looking particularly hot tonight, his hair swept to the side and with a fitted shirt on, and Seungkwan can't really focus on much but how good he looks.

"Will you let me make you a cocktail?" He grins at Seungkwan, and he's sold. 

"Yeah, of course. I'd love it."

"What do you usually like? Fruity, strong, no soda?"

"No soda would be good. And not too sweet." 

Watching Mingyu in the kitchen is like watching a work of art. Seungkwan's mind runs through images of him shirtless, making breakfast for Seungkwan, hair mussed and marks on his back from Seungkwan having gone a bit too rough on him the night before. Not even his hurried speech, his clumsiness, would annoy Seungkwan at that point, ruin his view. 

Whew... it must be the alcohol in his brain making him think those thoughts. 

"Here you go," Mingyu hands him the drink. Seungkwan takes a sip and is immediately floored by how _good_ it tastes. 

"You have talent. Wow. This is great," he takes another sip, and another, and just then registers the cocktail is kind of strong. 

"Take it slow, you don't wanna drink it too fast. Wanna dance instead?" Mingyu pours his words in three seconds, and despite how he wants to chuckle, Seungkwan bites his lip and nods. 

_Finally._

A slow, sexy song in on, heavy bass and sultry vocals, and the makeshift dancefloor is dark enough for Seungkwan to lose any shred of embarrassment. There are other people making out and grinding on each other, none paying any mind to Mingyu and Seungkwan. 

And the look in Mingyu's eyes tells him he knows as much. 

Seungkwan kind of knew Mingyu maybe liked him back, or at least thought about it, and so he doesn't hesitate to take a step into his space. One more step for their chests to touch, Mingyu's hands on his hips tightening instinctively. 

It's real. It's happening. Mingyu bites his lip, looks down, clearly at Seungkwan's lips, the flush high on his cheeks, pulls him in closer to his body. Seungkwan looks up, meets his gaze, darts his tongue out just a tad, the look in Mingyu's eyes heavy, pointed. Does he look the same?

A little bit closer, Seungkwan feels the butterflies in his stomach, the nervousness, losing sense of where Mingyu's touching him. Tunnel vision, Seungkwan comes closer and closer, his lips trembling...

And drops his head in Mingyu's chest.

_He can't._

Fisting his hands in the back of Mingyu's shirt, he barely can pull his head away. His head feels like it's finally returned, clearing up the fog previously clouding his thoughts. 

He would've regretted it. Or would he have? Would he?

"I'm sorry," he mouths to Mingyu, who shakes his head as to tell him not to worry.

"Don't worry. I don't want to push you," he whispers in Seungkwan's ear, and Seungkwan shakes his head. 

"You're not... you're not, I just had a few drinks and I have to wake up early tomorrow to go somewhere with Seokmin and... I'm sorry."

"Don't worry," Mingyu smiles sweetly at him, way too nice for the mess that Seungkwan is. "I'll walk you home." 

"I'm sorry," Seungkwan's eyes drop to the floor, and Mingyu's hand on his back feels heavier than it is. 

"You don't need to be."

Despite wanting to, he doesn't tell Seokmin about anything. Not about the party, not the almost kiss, not the guilt he felt. Any other time he would, but now... it doesn't feel right.

He wakes up at 7 AM as they planned, and by 8, Seokmin is in front of his dorm with the rental car. They're going to Gapyeong, quite a while away, but the new ice rink that opened looked promising, and the many other activities around seem too tempting to miss. 

The one-hour car drive passes by in a flash. Seungkwan puts ballads they both belt to and laugh at poor imitations of, and Seungkwan feels freer than he has in a long time.

They arrive to start their unofficial tour, eventually, and start with Petite France since they're famished; the bakeries and cute restaurants around catch their eye and their share so many sweet goods Seungkwan has diabetes by the time they decide to call it a day with the tour of the colorful houses. 

Despite the chill, there are also many people at the rail bikes. Those have always reminded Seungkwan of his father, and getting into one with Seokmin, laughing as the wind flows by them, feels a lot like coming home.

"You really like these," Seungkwan comments close to Seokmin's ear as they almost reach the bike in front of them from the excited pedaling. 

"I do," Seokmin laughs at Seungkwan instead, lightly shoving his shoulder with his own; Seungkwan rests his head on his shoulder instead. They slow down to a cruising pace, Seungkwan's hand around Seokmin's and his head on his shoulder, and chat about the things they see around them, Seokmin pointing out the beautiful sights around to him in awe. 

It's over way too fast, but they have the next thing to get to and the one Seungkwan is looking forward to the most, The Garden of Morning Calm. 

The sun is starting to fall by the time they reach the garden, just enough for them to pay and get in while the day slowly fades into the night, strolling through the arrays and beautiful landscapes of flowers before they're lit up. They're there as it all lights up right before the night truly falls into what it feels like an ocean of colors surrounding them, walking in admiration at the spectacle. It's Seungkwan's favorite time of day, spent in the most beautiful place with the person he cares about most in the world besides his family. What could be better?

"Have you been here before?" Seungkwan asks, amazed. Seokmin chuckles at him. 

"I have, with my family, when I was little."

"And you never told me about it until I looked it up?" Seungkwan grips Seokmin's arm, faking a huff at him. 

"I..." Seokmin hesitates, biting his lip in his mouth. "I don't know. Never thought about it, I guess. We're here now though, right?"

"Yeah," Seungkwan nods. Usually he'd continue teasing until Seokmin fakes being annoyed at him and they burst out into laughter, but something about that doesn't feel so good now. 

Thankfully, his attention gets taken by a long arch of lit-up flowers. There's almost no one there now, and so it is clearly the perfect opportunity for a photo.

"Quick, Minnie, can we take one of those photos? Where you hold on my hand from the back and take the photo? You know which ones," he pulls Seokmin along, who follows with a laugh. 

Thankfully, he understands. Seungkwan extends his hand to the back and feels as Seokmin takes it, waits for the archway to be clear before the shutter sounds ring out clearly in the air. Seungkwan lets them pass, subtly moving around, and then turns to Seokmin smiling right as another rings out. 

They're good. Seungkwan knows they will go to his profile on Instagram tonight straight away, and Seungkwan thanks Seokmin with an earnest hug Seokmin reciprocates. Seungkwan ignores how at the time, where they are, the moment almost turns heavy.

"Should we start going to the ice rink now?" He smiles, and Seokmin seems surprised at the quick change, distracted, but quickly nods. Seungkwan smiles and treads along, waiting for Seokmin to shout for him to wait and rush along.

Thankfully, the ice rink is not as full as they'd thought, probably because it's new. Which is good, because Seungkwan thinks he might kill someone in these things.

The ice is unsteady under his legs, and he flails right as he touches the rink, tightly grabbing on to the edge. 

No. Nope. He's not letting go. 

Seokmin turns to him with a cheerful laugh, touching his arm. "You okay?"

"This is much, _much_ worse than I thought. I can't move."

"Okay, let's take it slow then," Seokmin grins at him. "The basis of this is your knees. Bend them a little bit, make sure you're comfortable. And then glide. Left and then right, glide outwards a little bit. Like this," he demonstrates, like Seungkwan will be able to just move like that. 

"I'll be honest with you... I don't think I can do that."

"Hold my hands," he extends them to Seungkwan with a smile. "Don't be afraid. I'll keep you up."

 _Don't be afraid_ is a stretch. But slowly, hesitantly, he unpeels himself from the railing and gives his hands to Seokmin. He trusts him, he does...

Seokmin pulls his hands and starts skating backwards, the asshole, and Seungkwan finds himself pulled along until he feels like he has a sense of balance on his own two feet again. 

"Slow now. Glide, try lifting a leg and just gliding." He does, lifts his right leg and almost trips, but Seokmin's grip on his hands is tight. "Like that!" He beams when Seungkwan seemingly manages to do That Thing, and once more on his left leg. Maybe this won't be that bad, huh. 

He picks up speed gradually, and Seokmin switches from holding both of his hands to holding one, skating leisurely next to him. 

And then Seungkwan trips and falls. On his knees. 

Thankfully, the lady had taken one look at him and given him knee and elbow pads when they rented their skates, so he barely feels the impact, but still. Seokmin skates in front of him and crouches down, his expression worried. "You okay?"

"Yeah. It's normal to fall, right?"

"Of course! Where's the fun if you're good at this from the start?" Seokmin's cheerful self says, like Seungkwan _doesn't_ like being really good at things he does from the start, but he gets up. 

Soon enough, he starts to see the appeal. He can skate without the railing now, and Seokmin starts to look like he's not holding back for him either. They skate calmly, watching the people fall around them in the middle of the rink, laughing a couple of times. It's only fair, other people have probably also laughed their ass off at Seungkwan's flailing and falls. 

More people come as the night truly settles and the lights of the rink, the market around, stand out even more. It's so beautiful, the nicely decorated cafe behind the rink almost calling out Seungkwan's name since he's craving a coffee after all of this effort, and he thinks he sees a couple of snowflakes around. It couldn't be more perfect, Seokmin laughing next to him, holding hands as they pull each other across the rink and maneuver themselves through people. The moment feels never-ending and simultaneously like it's over too soon. Facing the fact he has to let go soon is too difficult, but it takes over.

Despite never wanting this to end, they decide to do a couple more rounds and head back, so Seungkwan gets brave. He skates faster and faster, Seokmin laughing to keep up with him, but it's soon that he finds his perspective shifting and the dark sky in front of his eyes instead of above him. And then hears Seokmin's groan and realizes he fell on a soft surface. 

_He fell on Seokmin._

"Shit. Are you okay?" He quickly turns around to ask, but Seokmin's frown tells him it's not the case. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're not. What's wrong?"

Seokmin frowns again, twisting his leg while a quick look of pain crosses his face. "I think I might have stepped wrong right before you fell. My ankle hurts a bit, but I'm fine."

"No, you're not. Is it broken?"

"Don't think so," he pouts. "Just a little bit twisted."

"Let's go to the exit. I'll carry you," Seungkwan volunteers, helping Seokmin get up and holding his arm over his shoulders as they slowly skate to the exit and to one of the benches. "Lemme see."

Seokmin slowly takes his leg out of the skate and Seungkwan looks at it. "Can you move your toes? Turn your ankle?"

"Yeah. I think it's just twisted. I'll be fine. It wasn't you, I stepped wrong before and pulled you down, I think." 

"Let's go get a coffee first. On me. Wait here," Seungkwan rushes to get their shoes first and turn in their skates, rushing back to Seokmin's bench. He feels so guilty for ruining Seokmin's fun and actually _hurting_ him, and he furrows his lip in his mouth as he goes back, wondering what to do to make it up to him. 

"Hot chocolate," Seokmin grins instead when he gets back. "And it better be good, since you're treating."

Seungkwan rolls his eyes and helps him up. "Come here, old man. Can you walk?"

Seokmin puts pressure on the leg and it seems so, even if he wobbles along. "Yeah. It just hurts." 

They make their way to the cafe close by like this, and after sitting down in a cozy corner with comfortable armchairs, Seungkwan rushes to get the order, hot chocolate for Seokmin and mulled wine for him. Between waiting for their drinks and coming back, it seems like the snow is starting to really come and lay on thick. 

"I feel like..."

"We won't be able to drive back?" Seungkwan completes Seokmin's sentence. He'd be crazy to.

"Yeah... I'm sorry."

"Why would you be sorry? I fell on you. _I'm_ sorry," Seungkwan quickly says, ignoring the way Seokmin shakes his head. He's too nice to admit it's Seungkwan's fault. "I'll find a hotel room, we can stay here tonight and go back tomorrow."

"Let's stay here a little though," Seokmin smiles instead, and Seungkwan hesitantly relaxes into his armchair. 

Despite the guilt, Seokmin makes him laugh. It's his talent to make an awesome situation out of a terrible one, make Seungkwan relax despite how he massively fucked up and actually, physically, _hurt_ him. Seungkwan doesn't know what he'd do without him sometimes.

They make it eventually to the hotel close to the ice rink, and Seungkwan pays despite how the dip in his bank account physically seems to hurt. It was his fault, so might as well. 

The lady gives them one of the last rooms, and if Seungkwan's life wasn't already ridiculous enough, they walk in the room and... 

There's only one bed.

"I'll sleep on the floor," Seungkwan immediately volunteers, but Seokmin shakes his head. 

"Don't be ridiculous. We'll sleep in the bed, it's big enough."

Seungkwan swallows. If only it was that easy. 

They take off their coats and sweaters and stay in their pants and shirts, hygiene be damned; they'll be gone tomorrow. Seokmin turns the one lamp off and they settle in the bed, backs to each other after they say their goodnights. 

But Seungkwan's mind doesn't get the memo.

Seokmin's presence in the bed next to him is heavy, loud, pressing, feeling like molasses in Seungkwan's brain, taking over and making his thoughts slow, dragged out.

They've never slept in the same bed before. They cuddle sometimes especially when they need the physical reassurance without any words, but the one time Seokmin got drunk last year he slept on Seungkwan's floor, and when Seungkwan went to his family's apartment over breaks when he couldn't go home before he either slept in Seokmin's older sister's bedroom or in Seokmin's bed with Seokmin on an air mattress on the floor, and so does Seokmin when he comes over for holidays.

So... not like this. 

The bed dips in the middle, the mattress soft, and when Seokmin twists and turns, clearly still awake, Seungkwan sighs and turns to face him in the almost darkness. 

"Is your ankle okay?" He whispers, trying not to disturb the calm, almost frail silence too much. 

"Yeah. Feeling better," Seokmin whispers and turns to him so they face each other on their sides. 

Like this, they're closer. Close enough Seungkwan would be able to count the shadow of the eyelashes on Seokmin's cheeks. If it wasn't dark, that is, and the shadows on Seokmin's face weren't faint, almost ethereal. Ethereal in that way that only darkness can be, captivating and dizzying. 

For how much of a sunshine Seokmin is, darkness suits him really well.

"Seungkwan-ah..." Seungkwan sees Seokmin's lips move, but the sound passes by him. He's...

Soft. 

The kiss is slow. The plush softness of his lips, the quick surprised breath Seokmin takes, getting closer, just a little bit, so he can't mistake it, maybe reassurance, maybe just... 

Seokmin's gone, and Seungkwan feels like there's no space for the yearning and yet it pushes, has Seungkwan desperately hoping that maybe he won't have to open his eyes to face the fact that it's already ended. 

"Tell me this wasn't for practice."

Seokmin's desperate request, the whisper, Seungkwan has to open his eyes and look into his to shake his head, firm and sure. The only thing he's sure of. 

One second and the floodgates open. Maybe it's the wine, or maybe Seungkwan's drunk with emotions, but there's no way to describe how much he wants, time torture before Seokmin's lips are back on his and a hand is on his waist, pulling him in, and _oh. Fuck._

There's no mind in it, Seungkwan lets his body take over and his hand wrap around Seokmin's arm, squeeze it to ground himself. And it's all so dizzyingly slow, Seokmin waiting before he moves his lips and Seungkwan _gets it,_ tilts his head and pushes to get _more,_ the feeling raising goosebumps on the back of his neck. Teeth drag at his lip and Seungkwan does what he's always read about, licks over Seokmin's bottom lip and almost whines when Seokmin lets out a small moan, letting him explore. 

When their tongues tangle, Seungkwan _really_ gets it, gets what all of this is about, because Seokmin's hand is pulling at his hip now even if there's nowhere closer and Seungkwan's tangled his in Seokmin's hair at some point, digging, breathless... 

And then it's over and they're panting in the barely-there space between their lips, Seokmin's hand on his lower back and Seungkwan's in his hair, their foreheads resting against each other's... and it hits.

He just kissed his best friend. And he _loved it._

There's nothing to say. Seungkwan wants to ask if he ruined it, but he doesn't want to know the answer, wants to say it was just a kiss but that will surely ruin it because that was _not_ just a kiss, he's not dumb... 

"I really wanted it," is what comes out because he wants Seokmin to know it wasn't a mistake. Seungkwan was never like that, couldn't imagine being so oblivious.

"I... I did too," Seokmin answers, confused. Seungkwan has no answer for that one. 

Instead, he curls his head in the space under Seokmin's chin like he does when he wants to hide, wraps his arms around him and tells himself that it's not the end. Seokmin's arm reaches around him too, comforts a deep-set fear in Seungkwan that maybe he actually ruined it. And maybe for the first time ever, Seokmin is unable to say anything, Seungkwan thinks. 

He's made Seokmin speechless. That's an accomplishment he never thought he'd manage. 

Or at least, not like this.

He doesn't know when he fell asleep, but when he wakes up the bed is empty and Seokmin isn't around.

He spots him on the balcony, or at least he thinks he does, because he has to scramble for his glasses first, having had the mind to take his contacts off before bed. Wrapping the duvet around him, heavy as it is, he opens the balcony door and is hit with the gorgeous sight of the forest and further away, the sea. 

It's beautiful, calm and peaceful, even in the winter time, even as the frost bites at his skin and he pulls the duvet closer. 

"I'm sorry," he starts as he sits down. Seokmin looks at him. 

"For what?" Seokmin asks, and there's genuine confusion in his voice. He's not mad. He's not angry. Sweet, wonderful Seokmin. 

"For... that."

"You shouldn't be sorry," he shakes his head, looking down at the sight in front of them. "It was both of us. I just want to know why you did it."

He breathes in. "I don't know."

"Oh." So maybe Seokmin actually expected Seungkwan to have an answer for why he started it. Seungkwan could wreck his brain and he's sure he wouldn't find something that he could say to satisfy him, no matter how much he hates that idea. He genuinely doesn't know. He didn't... he didn't plan for that to happen. "You don't?"

"I, just..." Seungkwan sighs, pulls his knees up to his chest so he's covered better. "Yesterday was the best day of my life, and you were the biggest part of it. And... I just felt like that and I didn't see any reason to not do it then. I'm sorry... it was stupid." 

Seokmin's eyes are wide, surprised, and yet his mouth is turned down. A heavy contrast. "That was your first kiss, wasn't it?"

"How did you know?" Seungkwan's own eyes widen. He never told him. He told him he never had a real boyfriend, but not... that. 

"I could tell." Lips pursed, Seokmin's mouth curls up into a smile. "So then... what did it mean to you?"

"I... don't know?" He doesn't. There's too much and yet nothing at all in his head right now, too confused to say anything for sure, even think about what the possibilities might be.

"Oh. I see." 

He's selfish, inconsiderate, and there's something in him saying he disappointed Seokmin. Worse than him being angry, the knowledge finds a place in Seungkwan's chest and almost makes him cry. 

He didn't even ask Seokmin if his ankle is okay.

It's probably not. Seungkwan notices him worrying his lip between his teeth, the frown in his eyebrows as he drives back. The silence in the car is stifling, a heavy contrast from the belted show tunes they had come with. Not even the sights of the fresh snow, the holiday lights, make it better. 

Seokmin drives to his dorm first and parks in the alley behind. They should have gone together to drop the car off, but he didn't have the heart to tell Seokmin he should do that. He obviously wants to get away from Seungkwan right now, and he can't blame him. 

But Seungkwan can't really help himself. Before he gets off, he turns to Seokmin. 

"Are we still friends?"

A pause, and Seokmin turns to him with a blinding smile.

"Of course. Nothing can change that."

If this thing with Mingyu was a date, it'd be the perfect one. He's a gentleman, drives well and even lets Seungkwan sleep in the car, exhausted from doing his papers the weeks before. 

He paid for that and pays for the delicious lunch they both devour, Mingyu eating so well Seungkwan is endeared. Seungkwan doesn't let him pay for his entrance at the trout fishing festival, showing them to the camera as they pay instead; they get nothing but a kind child gives them their fish, and so they are able to enjoy the taste of fresh raw fish and Seungkwan enjoys seeing Mingyu trip over the bench in his haste to get their order. 

They go to the Olympic Village which is not done yet, but the few games are fun, and Seungkwan almost forgets it all enjoying himself, and they call it a day before they both realize they're frozen and could really use a coffee. 

Seungkwan pays for them this time, and as they sit together at the corner table of the cozy cafe, Seungkwan can't help but be reminded of how different this feels to just two weeks before, when he and Seokmin were in a cafe similar to this.

"What's on your mind?" Mingyu starts, sipping at his cup. Seungkwan sighs and grabs his own, letting it warm his frozen fingers.

"Nothing... It's really nothing."

"Not the date you imagined?" Mingyu says with a smile, and Seungkwan's eyes widen to saucers.

"I..." He's rendered speechless. "No, it's not that, I really... I didn't see it like that. Did I..."

"I've known you weren't really into me for a while, don't worry. That your mind was somewhere else. I might say dumb things, Seungkwan-ah, but I'm not stupid." 

Seungkwan blinks. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean..."

"Just tell me," Mingyu rolls his eyes, but he's honest and his gesture is more friendly teasing than anything else. 

Seungkwan takes a breath, and the dam breaks.

He spills everything. From liking Mingyu, thinking they would work, asking Seokmin for help, to realizing that he couldn't, to their road trip, the kiss, Seungkwan's confusion.

"So..." Mingyu blinks, clearly shocked. 

Seungkwan owes him his life by this point. Mingyu, the unlikely confidant that Seungkwan has just spilled his whole awful life to.

"So yeah. Seokmin likes me. And I don't know..."

"Wait... You know?" Mingyu's jaw drops.

"I've known for a while. Seokmin isn't exactly subtle, you know?"

"Wait, you're serious?" Mingyu asks, his open mouth still hanging. "Then why did you lead him on? Don't you like him?"

"I... is it awful of me?" Seungkwan worries his lip between his teeth. "I wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to get over me. But instead... instead I think I realized I could like him too, but I messed him up in the process. Fucked up, isn't it?"

That's when Mingyu's eyebrow drops, and his jaw swings closed, a resolute expression on his face. "You've led him on. That's pretty awful, Seungkwan-ah."

"I... is it fair to say then I... kind of wanted to be sure, maybe? That I wasn't sure we could work until... we were there, and I wanted to make sure? If it would work I'd know, and if it didn't, I wanted him to realize it wouldn't, hate me for a bit, and be over it, and then we'd stay friends. I asked him to help because we were friends, before I realized he liked me, but then I realized... It was the perfect plan, right? To find out if we worked well together?"

"Not a good way of going about it, is it though?" Mingyu berates him, and Seungkwan deserves it. He does, doesn't he? "You did it so it was comfortable for you. It was the perfect plan... _for you._ If it worked it worked, but if it didn't, you didn't have to deal with the consequences, and you could victimize yourself behind Seokmin's hate until he was ready to come back. But what if he doesn't come back? You're not really ready to give him up that easily, are you?"

Oh... 

Seungkwan blinks at Mingyu. Seokmin not... coming back?

"Hate isn't better than someone who can't stop liking you and is hurt, you know? It's not easier for Seokmin... and I'm telling you it's not easier for you either if you lose him."

"Oh..."

"Yeah, Seungkwan-ah. That's not how it goes."

"But... But we're _friends._ Isn't a friendship more important?"

"I... I guess it is, but how would you feel if your _friend_ played you behind your back for weeks, months? Would that friendship still be real?"

Oh... Maybe Seungkwan didn't get it. 

"I feel like... you're just scared, aren't you? You're scared of being hurt. You're just scared that Seokmin wouldn't really like you when he dated you, and then you'd be hurt. You wouldn't be so okay with him hating you unless you knew it would happen. So you made up a plan being sure that he wouldn't like you, but ended up catching real feelings."

"Oh..."

"You're not an awful person. Maybe a little misguided, but Seokmin cares about you and I can see you do too. Talk to him." 

Mingyu... Who would've thought that it would be Mingyu who would be the one to make him realize how messed up his thinking was?

Seungkwan worries his lip between his teeth and wonders, painstakingly, if it's too late. 

"I have to go back."

"You do. Let's go, we have enough footage for the trip. Let's just do a close."

They rush through the closing pose, waving to the camera with a smile Seungkwan doesn't feel. 

The car ride back is immensely awkward too since Seungkwan realizes halfway he also admitted to playing Mingyu without having any intention to actually get with him halfway through them knowing each other.

"I'm sorry," Seungkwan takes the time to say when Mingyu drops him off at Seokmin's apartment. "I'm... you deserve way more than this."

Mingyu shakes his head, but does so with a slight smile. "Go."

Seungkwan nods, a slight tilt of his head, a sad smile on his face. Under different circumstances... Mingyu would've made a great boyfriend. 

"Thank you."

The steps to Seokmin's floor go by in a flash, but the walk to the door of his apartment feels like slow motion. Like all of a sudden, Seungkwan's limbs are paralyzed by an overwhelming _fear,_ with the tragedy of an impending doom. 

It can't go well. The hope that Seokmin will understand is nothing but a small flicker in the mess in his heart right now, but Seungkwan owes him this much. Owes him the truth, to set him free even if it will rip Seungkwan's heart in the process as well.

Muscle memory, nothing more nothing less, makes him knock. Thankfully, it's Seokmin who opens. Seungkwan's breath gets stuck in his chest at the sight of his furrowed eyebrows. 

He wants to hug him. Yearns for the comfort of knowing they can fix their momentary confusion and can go back to being friends again, but that's Seungkwan being scared. He owes Seokmin to be honest now. 

"Can we talk?"

Seokmin nods. "Yeah, come in."

It's just like any other time in Seokmin's home. Or it's Seungkwan's conscience that is hoping it is so when in reality it's so far away from the truth. 

They sit down at the island in Seokmin's kitchen, on both sides of it, Seokmin's gaze boring out in his own. Not Seokmin's bedroom, where they usually hang out when Seungkwan is over.

"I think... I have to tell you something." Seungkwan swallows. 

"What is it?" Seokmin asks, calm but worried, his eyebrow furrowed. He's nice. He's too nice.

Seungkwan's heart races miles in his chest, his throat tightened up. After this, it all could be over.

"I've known... for a while. That... that you liked me." A soft whisper, as if he doesn't dare say it. 

Seokmin's eyes widen. "... Oh."

"I... I didn't know how to tell you."

"How long?"

"A few months, I guess. I've been... sure of it for a few weeks. Since you were jealous of me talking about Mingyu, and..."

"So then why?" Seokmin cuts him with a sharp tone, and only then Seungkwan dares look at him. His expression is brimming with hurt, Seokmin, the open book. Seungkwan gulps and braves himself to match his gaze.

"Why what?"

"Why... why all the stuff with Mingyu? Why did you shove it in my face?" His voice... Seungkwan has never heard him like this. Seokmin bites his lip in his mouth, his eyebrows furrowing. "Do you hate me that much?"

"I..." Seungkwan starts, but there's no way to say what he needs to say. 

"Do you really? Do you _really_ hate me? All this time I thought you were just oblivious, that you didn't know, and I didn't dare push you or do anything of the sort. And you _knew?"_ The raised voice, the pain laid bare on the surface. Seungkwan takes them and feels the guilt spread throughout him until his thoughts blur and his tongue takes over him.

"You never did anything! You act like that with everyone, I just thought... I just thought it was misplaced, and it wasn't real..." 

"Why did you think that?!" Seokmin gets up, his chair making a loud clanking sound on the tiled floor. Seungkwan twitches. "I've spent years now crying in my pillow nights in a row trying to get over you, I've always come when you needed me, I've always been there for you. Why would you think that? Even as friends, why did you think it wasn't real?"

"Because we're friends!" Seungkwan bursts, the volume surprising him too, his quick words that he suddenly can't hold back. "I thought you were just confused, that you didn't really like me! That's how it works, right? Two people are friends but then they start dating and everything they hate about each other just grows a thousand sizes bigger until they hate each other, right? I... that's how it works. You'd realize what an awful person I am, and you'd hate me. I preferred it came sooner rather than later."

Seokmin's jaw drops. 

"You... all of that, with Mingyu? Then why? Why? Why did you have to shove it in my face?"

"I genuinely liked him at the start, I did, I swear. I thought I could have something easy with him, to get over the thought of you because it wasn't true, you didn't really like me, but then... then I realized you did. That day when you came to me dressed like that for the song, and said you had to meet someone, but then you were in the background of Jeonghan's story at his house just a bit after, when I saw it the next day. I realized you really did, but... it was too late. Right?"

A blink, a swallow. Seokmin wavers. "And still... you _kissed me._ Why, Seungkwan? What am I supposed to believe? You want me to hate you, and then you don't? You try to push me away from you, and then you kiss me? What..."

"I like you too."  
  
There it is. Seokmin stops. 

"That day... I realized it was real. That I liked you too. That I... that the overwhelming fear I had felt before that you'd hate me too, that it would never work out, it didn't matter. It didn't matter, right? When I realized it didn't matter, it was too late," he chuckles, nothing funny in the twisted situation he's created for himself. "I was stupid. I messed up, and I'm sorry. I want you to know I truly am, and you have every right to hate me," he looks in Seokmin's eyes, and musters up all the honesty he has. He is sorry, because in any other world, maybe he'd be smart enough from the start to make the right decisions. 

And now he'd have Seokmin.

"I don't hate you," Seokmin's voice softens. "I think you played with me and hurt me. But... I see why you did it, and I get that... it was a misunderstanding, I guess." 

"So then..."

"I just need time to think." 

And there it is. The code for _you've fucked up so bad I don't even know how to feel._

"I like you, Seungkwan. I've liked you for so long I don't even know who the me that doesn't have to live with that constant presence of you in my mind is. I just..." Seungkwan almost tears up like on cue, the knot in his throat tightening. 

He's had enough. It's time to cry until he's exhausted, lay in bed and pretend like he didn't just lose one of the most important people in his world.

"I get it. I'll leave." He takes out the wallet in his coat with trembling fingers. 

Train tickets. Seokmin's parents always leave on Christmas to spend time with extended family, and instead of going with them, Seokmin has come home with Seungkwan for the past years. It's their tradition; they always take the train and the ferry to enjoy their ride, unwind down from their semester until they arrive, to just have time to spend with each other.

"It's on the 24th. At 9:10 AM. If you still want to come..." 

The meaning of the words hidden behind those Seungkwan has just said rings out clear as day. _If you still want me... I'll be there._

Seokmin takes the train ticket, holds it in his palm like it will disappear if he doesn't feel it in his hands, clutches it between two fingers. Seungkwan can't take that. He can't.

By accident, he glances at Seokmin's phone when it lights up. Even upside down, he recognizes his lockscreen. It's him, in the garden two weeks ago, in the arch of flowers, Seokmin holding his hand. The picture where he turned around, smiling at Seokmin. 

He gets up, not even waiting for Seokmin to say anything before he closes the apartment door and walks down the stairs, the tears bursting out of him before he steps out into the chilly, dark street. 

He doesn't care what the taxi driver thinks about him being like this. He can barely hold himself from bawling as he taps his card of the meter and walks out, bursting through the doors of his dorm. But he's barely plopped on his bed when the code to his door rings out and Seungkwan turns in shock. 

It can't be...

But it's just Soonyoung, who clumsily steps out of his shoes and throws his coat on the floor and pounces on Seungkwan with a hug, enveloping him in his arms. 

Seungkwan would feel offended, but he's honestly feeling comforted.

"How did you..." he mumbles in his shirt, and Soonyoung whispers. 

"Seokmin told me. Shh, don't worry," he strokes Seungkwan's hair, who bursts into fresh tears. 

"Who's with..."

"Jeonghan is. Don't worry. You're good. You're fine."

Good? Seungkwan is not good. He's awful, really awful, and even the thought of what he's done makes him burst into tears again.

He spends the next six days worrying at his phone, waiting for a text, jumping whenever the sound of the code on the door rings out at any other room near. He painstakingly turns in his last projects, does his last exam in a haze, packs the mounds of dirty laundry for his mother to wash, and cries at romantic dramas for two days straight. 

He's working himself into a hole, he knows, but all he used to do in these few days before going home was to spend time with Seokmin and their friends, but besides Soonyoung, nobody is really on his side right now. 

Except also maybe Mingyu, who's become a permanent addition to their group now, along with a few others. He's been understanding, way too understanding and comforting with Seungkwan enough for him to appreciate that he's actually a really caring hyung, and silly enough to make Seungkwan laugh even now. 

He misses Seokmin. And he might be dramatic, everyone around him can vouch for that, but he and Seokmin... were soulmates. Are soulmates, something akin to that, in whatever form that might be. 

Losing him... Seungkwan doesn't know how he'd deal with that.

It's chilly in the morning. Seungkwan almost couldn't sleep the night before, too nervous to stop twisting and turning in his bed. 8 AM sees him with a coffee he usually never drinks and a corndog he barely touches before chucking in the trash in the massive station. 

8:10 passes, and 8:20, and 8:30. At 8:40 they announce the track for the train, and Seungkwan moves. 8:45 and he's made it there with leisurely steps. 8:50, the train comes. 

8:52, Seungkwan tells himself he'll wait until 8:55 before getting on. An attendant shoos him on, but Seungkwan makes a motion with his hand, bows and thanks him and stays put.

8:53, the taps of his shoe on the floor of the station counts the seconds. 60 and it's 8:54. Most of the people are getting on, people are rushing in, someone bumps into Seungkwan, shoves him one step to the right. 

8:55, he peeks at the escalator, a subtle glance to his left. There's nobody on it, and so Seungkwan... 

Waits until 8:56, because he's a cheater like that. Maybe it pushes 8:57, but hey, it's the love of Seungkwan's life at stake here. He's allowed to be a little dramatic, especially when it feels like his stomach is in the vicinity of his carefully tied boots. 

Eventually, the waiting tips over and becomes harder than giving up, and so he does step on the train without looking back. What's over is over. 

His luggage feels heavy when he lifts it onto the baggage rail, his backpack slung over his shoulder. Someone bumps into him, accidentally grabs his wrist when Seungkwan's already turned away, but Seungkwan barely feels it, shakes it off and moves to find his...

"Kwannie."

 _Oh._ Seungkwan's hearing things. Is this his cruel imagination playing tricks on him?

"Seungkwan-ah... Were you gonna leave without me?"

Wait.

Seungkwan flings himself in Seokmin's arms, the propriety of time and space be damned. They can stare. People can stare but Seungkwan will be fine because Seokmin's arms wrap around him too for a second before pulling away. 

"Let's sit down first, yeah?" 

Their seats are next to each other, but Seungkwan sits with his back to the window and one thigh up on the seat to look at Seokmin. It feels like if he blinks he'll disappear and Seungkwan will wake up to the memory of a cruel dream.

"I still need time to think," Seokmin starts. Seungkwan's heart falls a little, but... he's here, right? That has to count for something. "I just thought... maybe we'll think about it together?" 

Seungkwan nods; he wants to nod until his head falls, but there's a seriousness in Seokmin's gaze Seungkwan respects. "Of course. We can talk later?" He asks, mindful of the many gazes actually on them right now. 

"Yeah. Tell me about your exams then," Seokmin smiles, and a rock lifts from Seungkwan's shoulders at his warm expression. After six days, the tension in his neck finally starts to disappear.

Maybe he didn't actually lose his best friend.

It's freezing on the ferry but much warmer when they get off. His mom and his sisters are waiting for them on their platform, and when he sees them, Seungkwan breaks out into a full run. 

He's missed them. He's missed them with a vengeance, wanted nothing more than to feel his mom's comforting hand on his head telling him without words he's done well, he's not a bad person, she still loves her son. He will even put up with the pitter-patter of his sisters and even join them in talking about their boyfriends and soon-to-be husbands at home if he needs to, put up with their teasing as well.

He _missed them._ Missed his home, his mom's food, the sounds of the language he knows instinctively in his heart, the air, everything.

"Seokmin-ah!" His eldest sister screams from next to him; she's always been overly fond of Seokmin and has implied many times that Seungkwan should get his head out of his ass and woo him. If only she knew...

In the haze of coming back, putting up the biggest spread Seungkwan has ever seen on the table, like she's greeting a king and not her son, unpacking, spending time with his mom and sisters until his dad gets back from work, it almost starts to feel like normal again. 

Until the night falls and his mom sets up the blankets and pillows on the floor for Seokmin like always, and they're alone. 

"Now?" He asks Seokmin, and gets a nod in return. So now then. 

"I'll start. I guess I... I thought a lot about it these past few days. And I maybe didn't have much to think about besides the fact we're both young and stupid, right?"

Seungkwan nods. Young, stupid, and dramatic.

"I guess you know what you did isn't right, right? And you know that you hurt me and yourself in the process. So then... what more can I do?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I get you were confused... I'd be too. I was too. So I get it, and I don't blame you. You're my best friend, Seungkwan, and this thing is so like you that it feels kind of right you had to twist it for us to get here," he chuckles, and Seungkwan can't help but smile in turn. He doesn't feel offended. Seokmin's right.

"So you're not mad?"

"Of course I am. But what am I gonna do, fix the past? I'd rather just move on and fix it as we go."

"Wow..." Seungkwan shakes his head. "You're serious?"

"Tell me what you think."

"Me?" Seungkwan asks, surprised, and Seokmin nods. Seungkwan has made his speech before, but even so, his thoughts fuzz and his lips tremble. "Oh god... uhm, I guess... I'll tell the whole story, right?" he breathes in. "I kinda realized it in January, when we went to an ice cream store at 11 PM because I really really craved that ice cream that pops in your mouth, right? And you didn't even ask. I thought then we were partners in crime, but it's just... I thought it's because we were close. Because I liked you too and so it wasn't like _that_ for both of us, right?

Except it was, and... I didn't think we'd work out. I thought you knew me so well that you couldn't possibly stand me in a relationship, that it's just because we're close that you'd feel like that. I didn't think about myself until my sisters started bothering me that I should date someone already, and Mingyu was nice and cute and I thought I could... make you forget me. Make you realize we really wouldn't work, because it was easier than thinking it would. And then you showed up dressed and acting like that, that one day, and I realized it got a rise out of you and all of a sudden it was real... and I realized I messed up from long before," he swallows. 

"I couldn't kiss Mingyu that night because it was all wrong. I didn't want him there and I didn't want my first kiss to be like that. I... I wanted you," he whispers, his voice trailing, breaking, too real for it all. "And then the next day I... I don't know, it felt like a movie. Like a fairytale. And I lost it."

Seokmin smiles an indulgent smile. "You know... when you asked me why I never told you about those places... I never did because I wanted to take you there as a date. As an actual date. And... I don't regret it. Anything that happened," Seokmin shakes his head. "I really don't."

"Me neither, not at all. I feel like... we've been dating for a long time anyway, haven't we?"

"We have," Seokmin smiles. "I'd like to try then. If you want to." He smiles. That large, beautiful smile Seungkwan almost cries when seeing directed to him. 

It feels like it's been so long since he's been on the receiving end of it. He can't help but throw himself in Seokmin's arms for the second time today, nodding vigorously in his shoulder.

Dramatic, that's them. 

"I do. I really do." Seungkwan grins. "I don't kiss on the first date though."

"Didn't you just say we've been dating for a long time?"

Well... valid. 

So Seungkwan meets Seokmin in the middle of his childhood bed, wraps his arms around his neck and feels Seokmin rest his hands on his cheeks as they smile into the kisses, soft little pecks. Like back then, Seokmin rests his forehead on Seungkwan's and breathes into the space between their mouths, until Seungkwan kisses him again, knowing he's allowed to have this now. 

That he's not dreaming. He still has his best friend, and they love each other in the same way.

He almost wouldn't believe it if Seokmin wasn't here with him, if he didn't have the physical presence to remind him this is not a dream, but he is and he does, their fingers tangling and smiling dumbly at each other on the bed. So instead, he forces himself to stop making up scenarios and start living in the present for once. 

Seokmin's giggle as Seungkwan kisses his neck helps, for a start.


End file.
